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Zone81: English resources and information for gaijin in Japan

Library book 37 years overdue finally returned - Japanese books never read

Wednesday, August 07 2002, 22:13

LINCOLN, Nebraska - A book expected back to the library during Lyndon Johnson's presidency has finally been returned.

Someone slipped a copy of "Miss Abby Fitch-Martin" in a library book drop Sunday, more than 13,500 days past its due date.

"The theory is someone was cleaning out a relative's house that passed away and found the book," said Barbara Hansen of Lincoln City Libraries.

The 178-page hardback book was withdrawn from circulation years ago.

"Miss Abby Fitch-Martin," the true tale of a New England clan that adhered to a family code of "Pedigree, Prudence, Pride and Purse," was checked out by a patient at Bryan Memorial Hospital in 1965 through the now-defunct Hospital Book Service.

The due-date card stamped Feb. 17, 1965, was still in the back pocket but the index card listing the borrower has long disappeared.

A blue-and-white bookmark provided one of the first clues the book had long been out of circulation. It listed four branch libraries that no longer exist.

Hansen said the library would not try to collect the late fee of about $3,400.

Caesar's Commentary

That is classic. It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode when Jerry took out "Tropic of Cancer" in 1971 and never returned it.

To Jerry's dismay, Mr. Bookman the library cop (a lot like Monday on Dragnet) hounded Jerry until he finally paid the fine. Mr. Bookman's tongue-lashing went like the following:

"You took this book out in 1971. Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella!

Let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot! Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't HE deserve better?

Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! Or... maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy: Party time is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!

You'd better not screw up again, Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pitbull on a poodle!"

This brings me to my next point, I have a list of library books that have NEVER been checked out. Here is the list:

  • "Japanese Ingenuity and Creative Thinking"

  • "The Japanese Book on Central Cooling and Heating: How to Build a Cost Efficient House in Japan"

  • "Japanese Deodorant"

  • "Dental Hygiene in Japan"

  • "Wada Akiko's Beauty Tips"

  • "How to Treat Foreigners as Equals and with Respect in Japan"

  • "Playing Sports on Grass in Japan"

  • "Handicapped and Wheelchair Access in Japan"

  • "The Friendly, Non-Corrupt Politicians of Japan"

  • "Japanese Baseball players are REAL Athletes"

  • "Macho, Cool Japanese Guys"

  • "Japan's Wonderful Summer Weather"

  • "Fun-Loving and Friendly Japanese Neighbors"

  • "Japanese News Programs: Nothing But the Truth"

  • "NHK - Quality Programs that are High-Quality, Interesting and Always True"

    Hmmmmmmmmm... I wonder why nobody has checked these out?

    • Users Comments

    Ii Naosuke
      No one's checked them out because they're so thin that it's tough to even see them on the shelves.
    Dope
      here here!
    Malejewicz
      Ceaser, once again you must have an intimate knowledge of the place. I cannot but agree! What about this book "Japanese government admits they killed 300,000 civilians in Nanking" or



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